This is essentially my life

pick things up quickly and then drop them. Move onto the next thing. constant cycle of repeat. For so long it was easier that way. My parents getting divorced is my first memory. Something that I realized very recently in how to describe that could be psychological abuse. Not like that really matters. the only thing I have ever wanted to do is move on. And that is about the only thing I have been unable to do. My curiosity just longs to know what happened. So I can finally accept the right parent and go on hating the wrong. That is my cynism getting the best of me. I wish I could just move on. So that it wouldnt matter who is right or wrong anymore. But for so long that is all that mattered. And for so long I have always had to pick a side. And never known what was the right side to pick. That has probably led me to live an entire life of regret so far. As I long for what might have been if I would have just made the other decision. Lived the other life. Said the other parent and moved away. It is hard being 7 years old and told you need to decide where you want to live. And you are choosing between the two people that are supposed to love and care for you.

Philippians 4:6

Philippians 4:6New Living Translation (NLT)

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.

Matthew 6:33

Matthew 6:33

New International Version (NIV)

33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

 

kingdom

347 Bible results for “kingdom”

What is his kingdom?

 

righteousness

213 Bible results for “righteousness”

What is his righteousness?

  1. right·eous·ness
    ˈrīCHəsnəs/
    noun
    1. the quality of being morally right or justifiable.
      “we had little doubt about the righteousness of our cause”

morally right or justifiable

 

We are correct when we are living morally and justifiably.
But justifiable to what?

There are rules in society, a set of guidelines, a conscious that guides us and nudges us to know what is right and wrong. I remember being in 1st or 2nd grade and already wondering what the purpose of life was… I would look at my hands and wonder why are we here? An inkling or feeling or guidance to understand. But what if you were to explain righteousness to a child who did not understand what that was? And whos guidelines are we playing by as far as what are we judging righteously?

One problem I have always had with Christianity is that I was born into it. If that makes sense, I never really had a choice any other options of someone elses guidelines to follow. Like do I just believe this cuz I have never really had any other choice. I figured I would have to go back to my own past at some point. Probably cuz I never really have before.

My grandfather was a preacher and had all girls. In fact I was the first male grandchild. 10 girls boom me. My earliest memories are of my parents getting divorced. Something that tends to happen quite a lot in our society. Probably many reasons why. There really are two types of divorces cordial divorces and not pretty divorces. This was a not pretty lots of anger sort of divorce. I was the youngest of 3 with two older sisters. From what I remember it was a traumatic experience. The problem was that it never ended. It was something that just clung to life, always anger and resentment and the feelings of everyone wanting you to always choose.  We ended up moving away from my father my two sisters mom and stepdad. And started attending church…alot. My main problems now today are I never really knew what happened those early years and why it happened. I always felt lied too like no one was ever telling me the full truth. It was also uneasy trying to keep the peace. But even asking both parties now I still get wildly differing answers. Maybe it doesn’t matter but I have always had that want and desire to know. Probably so that I could know finally once and for all who to choose. But does that really matter? I have always felt like I have had to choose and never known the right choice.

Day 2

 

 

 

“Jesus, Jesus”

Jesus, Jesus, could you tell me what the problem is
With the world and all the people in it?
Because I’ve been hearing stories about the end of the world
But I’m in love with a girl and I don’t wanna leave her
And the television screams such hideous things
They’re talking about the war on the radio
They say the whole thing’s gonna blow
And we will all be left alone
No we’ll be dead and we won’t know what hit usJesus, Jesus, if you’re up there won’t you hear me
‘Cause I’ve been wondering if you’re listening for quite a while
And Jesus, Jesus, it’s such a pretty place we live in
And I know we fucked it up, please be kind
Don’t let us go out like the dinosaurs
Or blown to bits in a third world war
There are a hundred different things I’d still like to do
I’d like to climb to the top of the Eiffel Tower
Look up from the ground at a meteor shower
And maybe even raise a family

Jesus, Jesus, there are those that say they love you
But they have treated me so damn mean
And I know you said ‘forgive them for they know not what they do’
But I’m pretty fucking sure they do I think they do
And I think about you
If all the heathens burn in hell, do all their children burn as well?
What about the Muslims and the gays and the unwed mothers?
What about me and all my friends?
Are we all sinners if we sin?
Does it even matter in the end if we’re unhappy?

Jesus, Jesus, I’m still looking for answers
Though I know that I won’t find them here tonight
But Jesus, Jesus, could you call me if you have the time?
And maybe we could meet for coffee and work it out
And maybe then I’ll understand what it’s all about

 

 

Starting

Hopefully… Getting going is the hardest part. Once something becomes ingrained into you it is harder to let go. Work is ingrained into all of us. That is why we have an interesting phenom em happening where people retire only to start working again. It may be ingrained into us because we spend right around 25% of our time working in a given week. (assume 40ish hour work week). We sleep approximately 30% of our time in a given week.   Which leaves us with right around 45% of our own free time to do with it what we want. Alot of this time is spent in consuming food, beverages or countless other activities we will get to later.  Here is another fun percentage stat, According to Religion population, I have no idea how accurate they are but 83.46 % of the North American population is Christian. Excuse my utter shock but where the hell is everyone? And what the hell are you doing with the 45% of your free time? And what does it mean to you to be a Christian in a 21st century world?

 

I feel like alot of us may be missing the point. Myself included. At one point I may have had the point but somehow I have managed to lose it along the way. I hope to find it again and have tried numerous ways but always failed. This is my latest attempt. With only a set amount of time each day/week as free time I have deemed time as my most valuable asset. I have for to long given away 10% of my income with no real effect on my life. But I was never sure God asked us to give away our income. God asks us to sacrifice to Him. To become Christ like. And we do that by spending our time with Him. My goal is to spend 10% of my time consuming God. This can be done through any number of avenues:
Worship
Teaching
Praying

Reading

Serving

 

I will count Sunday Church service along with any bible study groups or other activities I attend. Roughly it will break down to 2 hours and 40 minutes of time each day. Of this time, half will have to be direct main focused activity. So 1 hour 20 minutes of direct focused activity. The other half can be indirect worship, teaching, praying throughout the day. I have always been a numbers person. This breakdown works for me. The blog is to keep myself accountable and record this time spent each day. At this point in my life,  I need to give God the opportunity, space and freedom to radically transform my life. And this blog is my recording of that. Because I am sick of the way my current life is lived.